Caring for Hurting Women in the Church

I first wrote about the church as a place of hope and healing in 2013. I remember reflecting on how my friendships in the church had met me in a dark season and what it meant to me that they walked with me through it. A few years later, I wrote Closer Than a Sister: How Union with Christ Helps Friendships to Flourish. My hope in writing that book was to encourage deeper, richer friendships among women in the church. Friendships that would reflect the “one-anothering” admonitions we find throughout the New Testament. Friendships that go deeper than shared interests or hobbies, that are honest and vulnerable about the real things of life. Friendships that are rooted in our union with Christ. This has since become my most popular retreat topic and for good reason—retreats are a sweet time of fellowship and are ideal places to develop richer friendships with others. I’ve loved meeting sisters in Christ across the country and encouraging them to grow in their relationships with one another.

The past year or so, I’ve been busy on a new book, an editorial project, about how the church can help hurting women. CDM, the publishing arm of the PCA, reached out to me to see if I would be interested in being the editor of a project called, Alongside Care: A Vision for Churches to Care for Women in Crisis. This book includes the voices of multiple authors, myself included. It explores the Bible’s call for the church to care for the Body—to encourage one another, bear one another’s burdens, exhort one another, speak the truth in love to one another, and more. It also shares how different churches have developed ministries to do just that, specifically ministries meeting the needs of hurting women in the church. It explores creating a team of women equipped and trained to come alongside women in the church who are in crisis, what that looks like and ways to develop such a team.

I’m excited about this project. I’ve enjoyed working with each of the writers. I love that it reflects how churches are diverse in terms of their resources, size, and membership and how it encourages readers to take the content and contextualize it to their particular congregation. It is my prayer that it will encourage churches to consider ways in which they can care for the hurting women in their pews.

To learn more about this project, click here.

When We Speak the Gospel to One Another

“Then those who feared the LORD spoke with one another. The LORD paid attention and heard them, and a book of remembrance was written before him of those who feared the LORD and esteemed his name” (Malachi 3:16).

What happens when Christians speak to one another?

Imagine being that proverbial fly on the wall in the church narthex on Sunday morning. People stand around in small groups, refilling their cups of coffee, and catching up on each other’s news after a week apart. What are the two moms saying to each other as their littles pull on their skirts and tug on their hands? What are the trio of men in the corner laughing about? What is the greeter saying to the new couple by the door? What is the older gentleman saying as he shakes the pastor’s hand?

In the book of Malachi, the prophet speaks to a group of discouraged post-exilic people. They face unexpected hardship and adversity and are tempted to doubt God’s goodness and faithfulness. Their worship is half-hearted. They aren’t living as God’s covenant people. Many have responded in disobedience. They’ve even stopped giving God his tithe. In chapter three, we see God’s people speak against God, complaining against him, saying things like, Why should we bother living a life of obedience? Where has it gotten us? They believed serving God was futile.

That’s when Malachi 3:16 says, “Then those who feared the LORD spoke with one another.”

There were two groups of people listening to the prophet: those who were grumbling in their hearts and those who feared the Lord. Those who grumbled and complained against God did not receive the prophets words; they quickly disregarded what he said. They remained firm and committed to their sin. But there was also a remnant of those who feared the Lord. They heard the prophet and responded in repentance. And then they spoke to one another. They preached the gospel to each other. They encouraged and exhorted each other in the truth. They wanted their friends to return to the Lord. Calvin comments, “it is an evidence of true repentance, when each one endeavors as much as he can to unite to himself as many friends as possible, so that they may with one consent return to the way from which they had departed, yea, that they may return to God whom they had forsaken.”

What does it mean to be a God-fearer? It is to respond to him with awe, wonder, reverence, love, honor, obedience, and trust. It is to see him as greater. It is to love the Lord wholeheartedly, as a child loves and reveres his father. And when convicted of sin, the fearful turn back to their God in repentance and trust.

But even more, the fearful preach the gospel to one another. They know they are not isolated islands unto themselves. They are united to one another by faith in Christ. So they remind each other of what is true and right. They speak of God’s character and his ways. They point to the goodness and grace of God in Jesus Christ. They help each other see how the good news speaks to every area of life, bringing light to the darkness. They remind the weak and weary that the Man of Sorrows understands their sufferings so much, he suffered and died in their place.

And they walk beside each other in the journey of faith.

The prophet tells us that God saw and heard what these God-fearers said to one another. He took note of it. And he did something unusual: he wrote it down in a book of remembrance. The prophet wants the faithful to know that their obedience is not futile or meaningless. There will come a day when God will judge the world and those whose names are written in the book of life will live with him forever (Rev. 21:27).

Calvin notes, “He shows by the issue itself why a book of remembrance was written—that God in due time would again undertake to defend and cherish his Church. Though then for a time many troubles were to be sustained by the godly, yet the Prophet shows that they did not in vain serve God; for facts would at length prove that their obedience has not been overlooked. But the two things which he mentions ought to be noticed; for a book of remembrance is first written before God, and then God executes what is written in the book. When therefore we seem to serve God in vain, let us know that the obedience we render to him will come to an account, and that he is a just Judge, though he may not immediately stretch forth his hand to us.”

May we be God-fearers who encourage one another with the truth. Our faith is not in vain. Christ has conquered sin and death. He will return to judge the earth. And our names are written in the Lamb’s Book of Life.

Who speaks the gospel to you?

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

On Christian Friendship

After more than a year of cancelled retreats and speaking engagements, I’ve been speaking at churches once again. It’s been a sweet time of meeting my sisters in Christ in other places around the country. One of the topics I’m frequently asked to speak on is that of our relationships with one another in the church, based on my book Closer than a Sister. In that book, I wrote about our friendships with one another in the church, how the Bible describes those relationships, and what sets them apart from other friendships we might have. I think that now, more than ever, we see our need for the body of Christ—for our relationships with one another in the church.

I recently participated in a Zoom meeting with a book club in Melbourne, Australia where a group of women recently read Closer than a Sister. We talked about the difference between our friendships with those who are not in Christ and those who are—because there is a difference and an important one. While our non-Christian friends can truly care about us and serve us in practical and needed ways, there is one thing they cannot do for us. While they may love us and accept us, there is one need they cannot meet for us. While they may share a long history with us that our Christian friends might not share, there is a future hope they do not share with us.

What makes our friendships with Christians stand apart from our non-Christian friendships is that our Christian friends long to see us make it home. They want to see us reach the finish line and meet our Savior face to face. They long to see us healed and whole and sanctified. That’s because the friendships we share with other believers is a spiritual one. It goes deeper than even our biological relationships with the members of our family; we share the blood of Christ and are united together for all eternity. We will spend forever together worshipping our Savior face to face.

As we’ve well learned over the last year and a half, we need other people in our lives. God did not create us to be independent people, living as islands unto ourselves. Rather, he created us to be dependent upon him, and interdependent upon one another. This is especially true of the church. The Apostle Paul likens the church to a human body, where Christ is the head and we make up the parts (Rom. 12:4-5). Each part is united together and needs the other parts to function. This means our friendships with those in the body of Christ are crucial. They are fundamental to our life of faith. We simply cannot do life apart from them.

Our Christian friends are on the same path with us to eternity; they walk beside us in that journey. They see us when we stumble and fall and they help us get back up again. Sometimes, they carry us until we can walk on our own. When they see us wander from the path, they call out to us to return. When they see danger ahead, they warn us. They encourage, exhort, and equip us to move forward in the faith. And we do the same for them.

While we will have friendships in many areas of our lives—through school, work, neighborhoods, hobbies and more—our Christian friendships stand apart as unique from the others. Only these relationships are eternal. We certainly shouldn’t forsake one for the other, because after all, the Lord calls us to bring the gospel to the ends of the earth. Lord willing, he will bring our unbelieving friends into the Kingdom with us—let us pray to that end! But we also need to remember just how important our Christian friendships are and take the time to invest in them. To cultivate them. To nurture them. Because we need these friendships and they need us.

“Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love” (Eph. 4:15-16).

We Need True Friends

People have strong opinions about neighborhoods with a Home Owner’s Association (HOA). Some refuse to live in one. Perhaps because such neighborhoods often come with restrictive rules, regulating things such as exterior paint color, yard care, and the number of vehicles parked in the driveway. Others like HOA’s because of the rules, for the regulations often mean an increase in home value. Not only that, but there’s less of a chance of looking over at your neighbor’s yard and seeing a cemetery for broken down cars.

I don’t have a strong opinion about living in a neighborhood with an HOA, but when ours recently sent us a letter telling us our driveway needed pressure washing, I wasn’t thrilled. It looked okay to me. And it meant work I didn’t have time to do. But I didn’t have a choice. So I tracked down a pressure washer from a friend. As I swept the wand of pressurized water back and forth across my driveaway, I realized it really did need attention. The water pushed away the dirt and mold and I saw the true color of the driveaway underneath.

As it turns out, my driveway was not supposed to be brown.

How true this is of my own life! There are things in my life and heart that I’ve simply grown used to. Temptations I frequently give into. Habits that shape my days. Sins I’ve embraced. Idols I worship. They blend in so that I don’t notice that they don’t belong. Until someone points it out to me. They show me how I’ve wandered from Christ to do my own thing. They then remind me of who I am in Christ. They remind me that I’ve been cleansed and made new. They remind me of the grace that is mine through Christ and of his Spirit at work in me.

Their exhortation shines a light in the darkness and I see the harsh reality—I see the ugliness that I’ve long overlooked. And I’m reminded once again of how much I need the redemption Christ purchased for me.

Sometimes we need someone else to see what we can’t see. Yet how hard is to hear a friend’s exhortation! Just as I didn’t like receiving the letter from my neighborhood, I resist it when my brother or sister in Christ points out where I’ve strayed from the Lord. After all, I’m content with how things are, why should I change? Or maybe I compare my life to others and think it doesn’t look so bad. Because if everyone around us has brown driveways, it’s hard to see the need for cleansing. But a true friend tells the truth. Not because they enjoy pointing out error in us. And not because they think they are without sin. But they do so out of love for us—out of a desire for us to be who we truly are in Christ.

A true friend doesn’t allow us to play in the mud when a beautiful beach lies just around the corner. A true friend wants us to know the blessing that comes through the sanctifying grace of our Lord. A true friend doesn’t want us to miss out on the joy that comes from walking in the ways of the One who knows what is best. As the psalmist wrote, “Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness; let him rebuke me—it is oil for my head; let my head not refuse it” (Ps. 141:5).

Many friends will see us wander off the path of life and not say a thing. Some will tell us whatever we want to hear rather than what is true. Some will even encourage us to do what feels right, rather than what is right. But a true friend in the Lord will go to great lengths to rescue us, sometimes even from ourselves. May we all have friends who desire the best for us, who desire what Paul wanted for the church at Philippi, “And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God” (Phil. 1:9-11).

And by the way, my driveway is now shiny white!

Three Barriers to Genuine Listening

When my husband and I were first married, we were mentored by an elder and his wife in our church. Each time we met with them, we returned home remarking to one another how heard and encouraged we felt after our conversations. We felt known and understood. We noticed how much of ourselves we shared with them. It impacted us so much, we vowed to try and learn what had made such a difference.

What was it about our friends that stood out to us? It was how they listened.

We all know what it is like to have a conversation with someone and know that while they might hear what we are saying, they are not actually listening. We know what it’s like to walk away from a conversation deflated because we felt unheard. Often, those are the people we tend not to turn to again when we really need a friend.

Barriers to Listening

True listening takes time, effort, and intention. To genuinely listen to someone else, we have to remove barriers to listening. Barriers such as:

We think about our own responses while our friend is talking: How often do we engage in conversation with someone else and instead of listening to what our friend is saying, we spend the whole time thinking of what our response to her will be? We are so anxious to share our own thoughts that we often interrupt our friend who hasn’t finished voicing her own. While we might look at our friend while she is talking, and it may seem like we are listening, as soon as we open our mouth to respond, it’s obvious we didn’t hear a thing she said.

We Make Assumptions: Another barrier to listening is our own assumptions. We all assume things about other people without having the facts to back it up. We assume another person’s motives and intentions. We assume another person’s thoughts and beliefs about a subject. We assume we know what they are going to say about something before they say it. These assumptions influence how we listen. Because of these assumptions, we don’t take the time to listen to what a friend has to say. We are quick to disregard or ignore her responses. We might even assume the worst about another person and treat her accordingly.

We want to be understood without desiring to understand: This is the greatest barrier to genuine listening. When someone monopolizes a discussion and ignores other’s attempts to participate, it becomes clear he or she is not interested in a conversation, but in being the star of the show. This becomes a barrier not only to listening, but to a relationship as well. After all, if we only want other’s to hear our stories and understand us, but have no patience or desire to hear theirs, that’s a one-sided relationship. And it won’t last.

The God Who Listens

James tells us to be slow to speak and quick to listen. Proverbs teaches us to refrain and hold back from too much speech (10:19, 17:27). This is because by nature, we are poor listeners. As sinners, we want conversations to center around us; we want the limelight and attention. Since the day our first parents listened to and believed a lie, we have been born with a sinful self-focus, wanting others to listen to us, without us having to listen to them.

Despite our poor listening skills, we have a God who listens to us. Our covenant-keeping God remembers his promises to his people and listens when they call out to him (Ex. 2:24). He hears our cries for help, “In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears” (Psalm 18:6). He not only hears, he stepped into time and history and did something about it.

God sent his Son to live in this fallen world among a people who are “hearing but never understanding” (Mark 4:12). As Jesus told John’s followers, “the blind receive their sight and the lame walk, lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear, and the dead are raised up, and the poor have good news preached to them” (Matthew 11:4-5).

Jesus Christ lived the life we could not live. He heard and responded to the needs of his people. He listened and obeyed the word of his Father. He then died the death we deserved in our place. Through faith in Christ’s perfect life, sacrificial death, and triumphant resurrection for us, we are given ears to hear and understand. We can once again image and glorify the God who hears. We can once again listen to, love, and obey God. We can once again listen to and love our neighbor.

Love Through Listening

As redeemed saints, we are new creations. The Spirit lives within us, changing and transforming us, enabling us to love our neighbors as ourselves. This means we can do what Paul commanded:

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3).

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).

“Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10).

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Listening to one another is one of the ways we love and encourage our neighbor. To show a friend that we truly care and want to understand, we have to listen with our entire self. We listen, not only with our ears, but with our whole body. If possible, we look her in the eye. We make appropriate facial expressions in response to what she has said. We use our body language to show we are listening, such as leaning forward to show interest and nodding our head to show acknowledgement or understanding. We ask questions for clarification and to learn more about what our friend might be thinking or feeling. We don’t interrupt. We don’t even try to fill moments of silence, knowing that sometimes people need a moment to think before they speak. And we summarize what she said to show that we did indeed listen.

To be heard by someone else is one of the greatest gifts. When we take the time to listen, it shows just how much we care for the other person. Listening encourages and builds. It helps the other person feel less alone. It shows that they are important, valued, and respected.

And in listening, we reflect the God who always listens to us.

A Prayer for a Friend Who is Hurting

One of the beautiful realities of our union with one another in Christ is when we pray for one another. It’s a very practical—and powerful!— way in which we live out that union. We pray to the same Father on behalf of our siblings in Christ. I love praying for my brothers and sisters in Christ and knowing that they also pray for me.

When friends ask me to pray, I stop what I am doing and pray for her. Sometimes, I text or email hurting friends and tell them the specific ways I am praying for them. I may share a passage of Scripture I’ve prayed on their behalf or a particular gospel reality I pray brings comfort to their hearts. There have even been times when I’ve sent a hurting friend a prayer I’ve written and prayed on their behalf.

In my recent book, Sufficient Hope, I wrote a number of gospel centered prayers. These prayers were intended to focus the reader’s heart on the truths the gospel as they cry out in prayer to our Good Father. In a similar vein to those prayers, here is a gospel prayer I wrote for our hurting friends.

A Prayer for a Hurting Friend

Dear Father in Heaven,

I come before you with my heart aching. My dear friend, more than that—my sister in Christ—is hurting. Because of our union with you and through you, the pain she feels is my pain. I do as you’ve commanded through the Apostle Paul: I weep with those who weep.

I can’t help but feel helpless and useless as I watch my friend suffer. I long to wave a wand and somehow make her troubles disappear. I wish I could push a button and rewind time back to the beginning before our first parents fell into sin, which opened the floodgate to sin, sorrow, and suffering in every human heart.

When I see the effects of the fall tear into the life of my dear friend in this way, my heart grieves and laments. I weep over what has happened in this broken and fallen world. I want to wear sackcloth and sit in dust and ashes. I cry out to you with the questions all sufferers have: Why, Lord? How long? And how shall we endure?

Yet even as I weep, I remember who you are. You are not a distant God. You are not a clock maker or “the old man upstairs.” You don’t sit back and watch, merely observing the turmoil of this life. You are all knowing. You know every tear ever we shed. You not only know all the sufferings of this world, you did something about it. Before time began, you covenanted with the holy Triune Godhead to send your Son to this world. He took on human flesh and lived a perfect life on our behalf. He experienced temptation, rejection, and fear. He lived in poverty, knew hunger, felt heartache, and tasted sorrow. Yet he never sinned. He then took the punishment we deserved at the cross where all our sins were laid on him. Because he suffered for us, and instead of us, we are freed from sin and shame forever.

I cry out to you, to the God who knows all things, the God who loves and cares for his people. I cry out to you on behalf of my dear friend. I ask that you comfort her with the truths of the gospel, of who Christ is and what he has done. I pray she would know who she is in Christ. I pray she would know of your great love for her that started before time began when you set your love on her. I pray she would be comforted by Christ’s sufferings on her behalf and know that through those sufferings, she is united to Christ. I pray that this season of suffering would not weaken her faith but strengthen it. I pray she would come to know you in a deeper, more intimate way. I pray she would rely and depend on you, rest in you, and be strengthened by her union with you.

Please meet her in this suffering with all that she needs. I pray especially for ______(healing, provision, justice, comfort, etc.). Carry and sustain her.

Help me to be the friend she needs. Help me not to say things that would add more sorrow. Help me to listen and serve. Help me to speak gospel truth. Help me to encourage and walk alongside her in this journey.

We are bound together through the blood of your Son, Christ Jesus. I pray in and through his name, Amen.