When Friendship in the Church is Hard

When you think of women in the Bible, who comes to mind? Perhaps you think of Mary, Jesus’ mother. Or maybe Esther, the queen who saved her people from destruction. There’s also Ruth, the young widow who left the land and people she knew to be with her mother-in-law. We remember these women because of their important role in redemptive history.

But there are two women who are only mentioned in one place, and their story isn’t romantic, brave, or remarkable. Rather, they are included in Scripture as an example of a problem in the church. Who are these women? Euodia and Syntyche.

Conflict in the Church

These two women make an appearance in the book of Philippians. Paul admonishes them to get along, “I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche to agree in the Lord. Yes, I ask you also, true companion, help these women, who have labored side by side with me in the gospel together with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life” (Philippians 4:2-3). Their conflict was serious enough to cause Paul to point it out to the whole church at Philippi to read. And for every Bible reader after that as well.

These two women served with Paul in ministry. He urged them to do what he wrote in Philippians 2:2, “complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.” He wanted them to remember their unity in Christ and with each other. He also asked some unnamed “true companion” to help these women resolve their conflict...to read the rest of this post, visit Servants of Grace.

The Cause of our Quarrels

Most days I spend as a referee. I intervene in squabbles and arguments. I settle disputes. At times, I even prevent all-out wars. And on really bad days, I cast off my referee's striped garb and  jump into the ring myself, arguing right alongside my kids.

If you have children, it’s likely that you are a referee as well. You might have even resorted to wearing a whistle and pulling out penalty flags. Maybe you've thought to yourself, "What is going on around here?" and "Why is there so much conflict?"

The Idols of our Hearts

James speaks about the quarrels and fights we have in James 4:

"What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people!" (4:1-4)

What is the source of all our fights and quarrels, even those in our own homes? Our idolatry. We fight with one another because of the idols in our heart. This is true for our children as well...to read the rest of this post, visit For the Family, my writing home today.

Redeeming Church Conflicts

If you have been in church any length of time, then you have experienced it. Conflict. Sometimes it's a disagreement between church members over the songs chosen for Sunday morning worship. Sometimes it's the fruit of gossip that has poisoned all who have taken a bite. Sometimes it is differing opinions over a staff hire or the use of church funds. Just like a biological family, the church family is filled with broken, sinful people who often don't get along. 

What does a church do when there is conflict? 

Veteran church conflict mediators, Tara Barthel and David Edling have a resource that every church and every church member needs: Redeeming Church Conflicts: Turning Crisis Into Compassion and Care. With decades of combined experience mediating conflicts in churches, Barthel and Edling lay out Biblical and practical guidelines for how churches can address conflict. Using stories of experiences with churches they have helped, the book presents a step by step process to bring redemption, hope, and healing to a conflict.

When I read this book, I was in the middle of multiple conflicts occurring around me. They were heartbreaking conflicts, the kind that rip and tear and break unity. Reading the book helped me see the ways such conflicts start and gave me hope for how they can end. But the truth is, that wasn't the first conflict I had encountered in church and it won't be my last. Every church I have been a part of over the course of my life has had some kind of conflict. Some ended in church splits and others with lasting bitterness and broken hearts. Because of the fall, conflict in our churches is inevitable. We have to expect it. But as Redeeming Church Conflicts shows us, through Christ it can also be redeemed.

Redeeming Church Conflicts follows the Acts 15 model of addressing conflict: Perspective, Discernment, Leadership, and Biblical Response. It helps us see the reasons why we have conflict and the underlying issues behind it, because more often than not, the issue everyone is upset about isn't always the real problem. It helps us see the ways God is working on our holiness in and through the conflict. It reminds us that we all have a part to play in working through and resolving church conflicts. It open our eyes to have compassion for those with whom we are having conflict. And it walks us through a Biblical response to the conflicts we have in our churches. Ultimately this book is about the church, the Body of Christ, and our need to do the hard work to keep the bonds of unity. 

"Leaders are not prepared for conflict (even though they should be). Followers are not prepared for conflict (even though they should be). Both leaders and followers are caught in worldliness and many have bought into a postmodern philosophy that says truth is relative and personal and emotive experiences are preeminent. We become passionate, defensive, and self-centered. Rather than studying Scripture and obeying it, we live as a law unto ourselves, motivated by what we want and demand. Rather than a blazing reality, heaven feels vague, so we lose our sense of the nearness of eternity and begin protecting our property, reputations, and comfort in the here and now. Rather than loving God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength (and loving our neighbor as ourselves), we get tired and distracted and our immediate desires trump eternal realities. Failing to trust in God's sovereignty and living for temporary security, many of us make our church conflicts worse." (p.7).

This book is not only a necessary resource for every church but the principles are useful for individuals as well. Because after all, how often do church conflicts begin with a conflict between two people and spread out to the rest of the church? This is one of those books all believers need to own and read through regularly. As Christ followers, we are all united together by the blood of our Savior. We are a family. We will be with each other for all eternity. We must work hard to maintain unity and redeem conflicts when they arise. For the glory of God and his church.

"From an eternal perspective, we already are reconciled with and united to our brothers and sisters in Christ. Therefore, during any church conflict, we simply strive to become who and what we already are: one in Christ. We may differ over issues and hold conflicting positions on important questions, but those temporary things pale in comparison to our unity in Christ." (p. 173).

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When Words Hurt

We were in the car late one afternoon and my children were doing their normal back and forth sibling thing in the back seat. (I would call it "bickering" but was told by someone in my family that "bickering" is an old-fashioned word). I grew frustrated by their behavior. Then I got sarcastic.

Later, after returning home, I noticed my children were irritable. One was downright angry. I finally got them to talk and learned that my sarcastic comments hurt them both. I apologized and they forgave but the exchange was a glaring reminder that I do not have control over my tongue. And because I don't, I hurt my children.

Small Yet Mighty

James says that though the tongue is small, it is very powerful. "So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell" (James 3:5-6). 

Proverbs has a lot to say about our words as well: "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits" (Proverbs 18:21). "Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin." (Proverbs 13:3). "Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body" (Proverbs 16:24).

I know that words are powerful. As a writer, I know words can persuade, mislead, attack, comfort, or resonate. I know that words can build up or tear down. They can open doors or slam them shut. They can connect or rip apart. They can bring hope and healing or destroy altogether.

The Real Problem

What do we do when we realize we have a problem with our words? In the case with my children, I could resolve to be kind. I could have that guilty feeling I felt propel me to curb my sarcastic ways. But like the resolve we all feel at the first of a new year, on its own, resolve isn't enough to transform our words.

That's because the real problem is with our hearts. 

Words are one of the greatest reflections of what is going on in our hearts. Jesus said that "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" (Matthew 12:34). James 4 says that our problems and conflicts stem from our disordered desires, our idolatry, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight" (vs. 1-2). 

A struggle with words reveals what we really love most. It reveals what we worship, what we've set our hearts on. Unkind words are not the problem but a byproduct of the real problem: idolatrous hearts. Deep down, we want life to be all about us. We want to be on the throne of our lives and have everyone else serve us. Our words reveal our selfishness, pride, self-righteousness, and envy. They show our desire to rule our own kingdoms. And above all, they reveal that God is not first place in our hearts. 

As Paul Tripp wrote in The Power of Words and the Wonder of God:

"There is no escaping the message of Scripture: word problems are heart problems. There's an organic consistency between what is in my heart and what comes out of my mouth. The struggle of words is a struggle of kingdoms; a war between the kingdom of self and the kingdom of God. The kingdom that rules your heart will dictate your words." (Kindle edition, Location 633, 641).

God's Word Shapes Our Words

When our words hurt others, what we need is the same thing we need for all sin in our life: God's amazing grace. We need his grace, through the person and work of Christ on our behalf, to forgive us, cleanse us, and make us new. We need the surgery spoken of in Ezekiel, where we are given new hearts, hearts that desire God above all else. This new heart is what we've been given through faith in Christ. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come" (2 Corinthians 5:17). 

One of the main ways God is doing the work of new creation in us is through the ministry of his Word, applied by the Spirit. Not only do we come to faith through the hearing of the Word (Romans 10:17) but we are changed and transformed by the Word as well (Hebrews 4:12, John 17:17). It is God's active and living Word that cuts deep into our heart, reveals our sin, points us to truth, and transforms us from the inside out. In doing so, God's Word shapes our words. Sinclair Ferguson wrote, "The more I awake in the morning and feed myself with the Word under a biblical ministry, the more the Word of Christ will do the sanctifying work in me and on me, and consequently the more Christ will train my tongue as his Word molds and shapes me" (The Power of Words and the Wonder of God, Kindle Location 1008). That's why David wrote, "I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you" (Psalm 119:11).  The more we dwell on God's Word, the more it overflows into the words we say. Just like our children often repeat what they hear us say, the more we listen to the Word of God, the more we will sound like him in our speech. And the opposite is true, if we have been distant from the Word, neglecting the Word, we can expect our own words to change to reflect whatever our hearts have turned toward. 

Because word problems are heart problems, we need God's grace to change us through his Word applied to our hearts. We need to be saturated by the Word until it fills every corner and crevice of our heart. Then the words we speak will reflect and sound more and more like that of our Savior, the Word made flesh.  

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